I faked an abortion last night.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
