My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
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Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
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Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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