Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Please, let me fuck your mom
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I think this conversation is over.
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Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
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Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it