just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
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you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
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I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.