Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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