When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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