i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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