You're my little dorito
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
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There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
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I was told my cock was a religious experience.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.