I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST