I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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