Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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