I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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