My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
