K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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