I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
