I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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