This is not my ceiling
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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