I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I have already put on my inside pants.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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