I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
