Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
