it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
