I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
