I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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