3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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