The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
