Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
