She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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