I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
