burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
