So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
