Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
