i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
