3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
