who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
