when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
