Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
