apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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