dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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