Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
