Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
That's when you crack a 10am beer
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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