the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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