Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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