guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
