you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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