God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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