my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
