this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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