Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
