i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
