just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
