she kept yelling 'call me bella'
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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