i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
