Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
