I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
