well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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