I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
