My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
