did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
YAS. BRING CRAB.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
